The Nude Statesman

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NEW EVIDENCE OF SEXUAL DEVIANCE AT BBC

Tabloid publication News of the World closed enveloped in scandal last year, after revelations were made regarding its use of illegal phone-hacking in order to procure stories.

A disgruntled former News of the World reporter has made contact with The Nude Statesman about one story which the paper did not have a chance to run.

He has sat on the story for several months, but in light of the BBC/Jimmy Savile abuse allegations, now feels as though its content falls within the public’s interest.

The following audio recording, captured when The News of the World bugged the house of one of the BBC’s biggest stars, shows further evidence of terrible abuse of power at the corporation.

The Nude Statesman vehemently disagrees with the journalistic practices used to obtain the tape, but agree with the former reporter that its content should be made known to the masses.

Filed under Jeremy Clarkson BBC News of the World

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Archbishop removes women from Church

After this week’s landmark decision by the Church of England to not allow female bishops, the incoming Archbishop of Canterbury has expressed his desire to further implement anti-female legislature throughout the Church.

Archbishop Justin Welby was being questioned by journalists over his reaction to the vote, passed on Monday this week.

“I already have my top monks at work altering our copies of the Bible,” said Welby, “and they are systematically removing any female elements from its most revered pages. Hopefully, future generations of churchgoers will be enthralled with tales such as Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden, and Martin and Joseph giving birth to Jesus, who was - lest we not forget - a man.”

When questioned over the practical implications of his proposals, Welby said that women were no longer welcome in churches, and that Church of England families should look to jettison ‘maternal parasites’ (i.e. any women) from their units for good.

“Obviously this will mean that men will inevitably be forced to form sexual relationships with other men. Ordinarily, the Church would discourage such behaviour, but under these difficult circumstances we accept that exceptions need to be made and that people need to be gay. Just as long as people remember that it is a sin and they pray for redemption. And don’t enjoy it.”

Welby was posed with the conundrum of how such homosexual relationships would produce children, to which he suggested it could take place via an “immaculate conception between two men, like Martin and Joseph in the Bible”.

Filed under archbishop of canterbury church of england religion justin welby

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U.S. introduces “text2vote” this election to attract the youth vote

With only 10 days left until the United States 2012 presidential election, the nation’s government is offering citizens a new way to vote. “Text-2-Vote” is a mobile app that allows voters to submit their ballot through SMS.

The Text-2-Vote system is modeled after best practices used by the entertainment industry. The American public is already very familiar with Text-2-Vote; Television shows like “American Idol”, “America’s Next Top Model”, and “America’s Got Talent” have brought this form of voting to the cutting edge of democracy.

Supporters of this service say that it will encourage more young people to get involved in politics. Samuel Davis, a self proclaimed informed voter and president of his college’s democracy club explained that “the tradition voting system doesn’t work for me or others in my generation because it requires too much effort. First, I need to decide which candidate to vote for; then I have to leave my house, drive to my polling location, wait in line and enter a claustrophobia inducing booth. That’s not democracy?”  

A recent Gallup poll predicted the political alignment of young adult voters aged 18-29. It is expected that binders full of young women will vote for Mitt Romney. While Obama supporters are typically young men who grew up watching “Sesame Street” on Public  Broadcasting Service (PBS), the closest thing to BBC that the U.S. has.  

Disclaimer: The Nude Statesman wishes to remain as a nonpartisan publication and we do not endorse certain candidates or take part in political campaigns. The only endorsement we have made was for Leslie Knope’s 2012 City Council campaign for the fictional city of Pawnee, Indiana.

Filed under 2012 election Obama Romney U.S. amercia youth vote satire

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Breaking News: girl cries over spilled milk
What started as an ordinary day for Amy Johnson has escalated into a disaster. Johnson, age thirteen and three quarters was “chillaxing with my biffles” when she unintentionally brushed her elbow across a mug filled with milk. This action caused the mug to tip over. Instead of cleaning up the mess, the teen proceeded to cry as she watched the spill spread. For updates on the development of this story, visit Johnson’s twitter feed. In other non-news, a state of emergency was called when the world’s tallest bonsai tree was struck by lightning.
 

Breaking News: girl cries over spilled milk

What started as an ordinary day for Amy Johnson has escalated into a disaster. Johnson, age thirteen and three quarters was “chillaxing with my biffles” when she unintentionally brushed her elbow across a mug filled with milk. This action caused the mug to tip over. Instead of cleaning up the mess, the teen proceeded to cry as she watched the spill spread. For updates on the development of this story, visit Johnson’s twitter feed. In other non-news, a state of emergency was called when the world’s tallest bonsai tree was struck by lightning.

 

Filed under exaggeration milk teenagers

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Familes encouraged to ‘get into the spirit’ of the Olympics

With only 10 days left until the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games, Hugh Robertson, the government’s sports minister, has encouraged Britain’s families to recreate the spirit of the games in their own homes.

Aside from the usual re-enactment of Olympic events across the nation’s front rooms and gardens, Robertson is also keen for the public to stay in line with commercial obligations of the Games, such as for all meals during August to be produce of McDonald’s.

"They are the official snack supplier to the Games," protested Robertson at an Olympics press conference today, "and we would like to think that revellers would get behind us by supporting their cause, which is to make and sell salty chips to the already-malnourished."

"There are also some slight legal issues that I should make the public aware of. During the Games, it will be illegal to use the phrases ‘London’, ‘2012’, ‘London 2012’ and ‘summer’ without being an official partner of the Games. Or else you might find yourself on the business end of a monstrous lawsuit for gross copyright infringement. But our key message is: have fun!"

Robertson was keen to emphasise that there will be a sizeable presence of Olympic inspectors during the Games, who will assess businesses and workplaces for any potential legal slip-ups.

"Such is the level of surveillance, we did actually ask the Olympic body if we could rename the Games ‘London 1984’," joked Robertson, in reference to the looming air of Orwellian dystopia, "but they didn’t let us because that isn’t the year. However, from a Conservative standpoint, it very much is."

Filed under Olympics London 2012 Hugh Robertson satire satirical comedy Nude Statesman

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Letters to the Editor: Readers Respond

I purchased a subscription of The Nude Statesman under the impression that there would be pictures of naked politicians. Needless to say, I feel deceived and definitely won’t be renewing my subscription.

I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME TO The Nude StatesPERSON, YOU MISOGYNIST FREAKS!!!!!-fuming feminist

Not only do I love your blog (heh found it) but I also am secretly infatuated with you. K. here we go..I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to SPAMspamspam.com and make an account there. If you can guess who I am hit me up and we’ll hug soon.  you need a c c but its free-Xoxo

OK. So you know that guy Jeremy Franks? He was in that article “Man Stalking Woman: ‘This Would be Totally Romantic in a Movie’”…I think he’s my soul mate. I’ve been looking for a man who has all the qualities of Chris Brown, Mr. Darcy, Edward Cullen and Christian Grey rolled into one.  OMG.

When I am not busy doing the things that teenage activists do, I’m reading The Nude Statesman -Madeline Parker

Who is this Cameron guy anyways? -Clueless American Wearing Loafers

wait. r u serious? is this a joke!??

In response to “May amends UK citizenship test” I would like to suggest one more qualification for citizenship: all applicants should submit a picture of themselves wearing swimwear that has the national flag on it. -anonymous

Though I prefer The Onion, your articles are entertaining on occasion 

Filed under opinion satire

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Court reaches descision on Terry-Ferdinand racism trial

SPORTS NEWS:

The trial between Premier League footballers John Terry and Anton Ferdinand has finally reached its conclusion, with the court ruling that both men are idiots.

Terry was accused of racial abuse by Ferdinand, after footage surfaced of the Chelsea captain apparently mouthing slurs in the direction of Ferdinand during a match between their teams last year. The 27 year old QPR defender reported the incident and the authorities subsequently believed that there was enough evidence to level a charge of racism at Terry.

But today’s decision saw an unusual break from the classic ‘guilty/not guilty’ binary, with the 13 member jury arriving at the paradigm-breaking decision that neither man deserved to win the trial due to the hideous nature of their individual characters.

The jury’s foreman – Michael Cog, a 68 year old retired schoolteacher from Leighton Buzzard – made an impassioned plea to presiding judge Lord Justice Bennett when asked to pass verdict.

“Your Honour, we, the jury, have had to listen to these horrible men speak for a combined time of 65 hours. We have found them both to be utterly despicable people, with no sense of morality, sportsmanship or fashion sense. John Terry wore a pink tie yesterday, for God’s sake.

“Although we do believe that the phrase used by Mr. Terry in the match between QPR and Chelsea does qualify as racist, Mr. Ferdinand’s attitude towards Mr. Terry has been as equally hostile and odious. Neither of the men can speak in proper English, show no sense of self-awareness, and live the sort of spoilt lifestyle that could make a Roman emperor blush.

“We would like to say for the record that we find them both guilty of being horrible, horrible wazzocks.”

Justice Bennett, a notoriously gavel-happy judge often described by his contemporaries as ‘being so stereotypically mad and out-of-touch that he seems almost fictional’, was satisfied with the jury’s findings and ended the hearing.

Filed under John Terry Chelsea Anton Ferdinand Queen's Park Rangers QPR football sport satire satirical comedy Nude Statesman

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Man Stalking Woman: “This Would be Totally Romantic in a Movie”

OMAHA, NE - Jeremy Franks was arrested for the sixth time in two weeks after he was seen crouching in the bushes outside of Marie Osgood’s Lower East Side apartment early this morning. Osgood’s next door neighbor called the police because she said she knew Osgood had a restraining order against him. “Plus that boy’s too handsome for his own good,” the neighbor added.

Franks, a six-foot-five dark haired, dark eyed tall drink of water, argued that “breaking the law for love” is a normal trope in romantic films.

“Her parents locked the front door, so I climbed up the balcony, just like Romeo! You can’t get more romantic than that,” yelled Franks as he was placed in the police car.

Osgood claimed she was familiar with Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, and yet still did not find Frank’s behavior as anything but “creepy.”

Osgood’s friend Cynthia Hargood, who has been with Osgood throughout the stalking ordeal, privately mentioned that “Jeremy is dreamy,” and she betted if he would just give her a chance instead, she “could really change him from an abusive boyfriend into a sweetheart.” 

Filed under stalking movies tropes romance

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Grape soda is the solution to global energy crisis

Grape flavored soft drinks, also known as grapeade, grape soda, grape pop and grape soda pop, will soon replace coal and petroleum as the world’s leading source of energy. Initially, response to the news erupted into an impassioned argument over the correct name for the sugary carbonated drink. The controversy has since subsided.

Now that grape soft drinks can be used as fuel many things will change. No longer will political relations be strained due to oil supply. Bygone are the days when fracking threatens to contaminate water supplies. We can now abandon our efforts to develop sustainable energy.  The energy crisis has finally ended and society is on the brink of preventing global warming from destroying earth. The cup is half full (of grape soda).

In the past, big oil companies have reacted negatively to developments in alternative energy. But this time there will be no murdering of electric cars. Even the all-powerful oil executives can’t deny that fossil fuels are extinct and grapeade is the future.  

Professor Stuvens of Elitist University discovered that gape soda/ade/pop is an efficient source of energy by accident. While he was testing the efficiency of different types of biofuel, he accidently spilt a can of grape soda pop he was sipping on into the compartment chamber of his testing apparatus. While he was franticly trying to clean it up, he noticed that the energy levels on his contraption skyrocketed.

“In retrospect, it all makes sense. Grape soda is a great energy source because it contains natural and artificial grape flavor combined with the preservative sodium benzoate, corn syrup and red 40. The conversion process of soda to energy is actually quite simple. Blah blah blah explanation that only a seasoned scientist could comprehend. ”

This discovery signals the end of the era when it was an individual’s duty to lead an ecologically conscious lifestyle. Never again will humans be inconvenienced by increasing price of gas as the world’s supply of petroleum dwindles. Grape soda is the cure-all we have all been waiting for and boy do we deserve it.

Filed under Conspicuous consumption of natural resources grapeade energy crisis oil petroleum environmentalism sustainability fracking news satire

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World goes Higgs boson crazy in wake of discovery

SCIENCE NEWS

Scientists working at CERN, Switzerland, this morning announced compelling evidence for the existence of the Higgs boson, a particle which neatly fills gaps across numerous areas of theoretical physics, unifying our general understanding of the universe.

Heralded as the most momentous scientific discovery of the past 100 years, the event is being celebrated the world over, with scientists and the general public alike marking the day in their own unique ways.

In Germany, Olympic 400 metre hopefuls Otto Rielger, 22, and Klaus Dost, 25, rejoiced the discovery by symbolically running in opposite directions around a training track near Stuttgart. Moving near to the speed of light - making new personal best times in the process - the athletes collided in front of family and friends, who then analysed the collision in great detail. Both men were rushed into A+E soon after, although it is not yet known whether this is linked to the 250,000,000 metres-per-second crash.

Tonight, revellers in Italian capital Rome are holding numerous ‘Higgs parties’, where attendees will be drinking and dancing whilst dressed as University of Edinburgh professor and eponymous father of the Higgs theorem Peter Higgs. Party guests’ fancy dress costumes are expected to range from the standard ‘1960s Higgs’ (shirt and trousers) to the ‘Wolf Prize acceptance speech Higgs’ (dinner suit and glasses), right up to ‘modern-day Higgs’ (shirt, trousers and glasses). Proposed party games include ‘pass the atom’.

Finally, US citizens also joined in today’s festivities. Lafayette’s foremost physics fan and livestock farmer, Tate McSherrit, dressed his buffalo up as sub-atomic particles and allowed them to roam in a natural folly, creating the inaugural ‘boson bison basin’.

Filed under Higgs boson Peter Higgs physics science CERN Large Hadron Collider LHC

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Americans appalled that the rest of the world does not celebrate the 4th of July

As the United States prepares to observe its 236 anniversary, many citizens are shocked to learn that no other country is joining in on the festivities.

“I am personally offended that people outside the United States refuse to celebrate the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. Yeah, I said it. We are the best. That’s way [sic] everyone else in the world has to speak English but we don’t have to learn other languages. Annnnd we don’t use that foolish metric system,” revealed one self-important American wearing loafers.

Said American then went on to proclaim that any person whose ancestors were not on the Mayflower is not a true American. He then proceeded to absentmindedly pour barbeque sauce onto his slice of apple pie.

Apparently non-Americans are missing out on a lot of fun. In the U.S. Independence Day festivities usually involve grilling hot dogs and hamburgers outdoors and watching firework displays. In addition, 34% of Americans will commemorate July 4th by exercising their freedom of speech by trolling youtube comments or yelling obscenities at inanimate objects.

Others are taking a more creative approach in observing the holiday.

We are informed that Mitt Romney, along with his buddies at the National Rifle Association have extended an open invitation via twitter to any person interested in exercising their right to bear arms. Everyone is invited to go on this recreational hunt except for Dick Cheney, any woman who has had an abortion, illegal immigrants, Katy Perry, members or supporters of the LGBTQ community, liberal minded youth and Canadians.

One community theater of failed Hollywood hopefuls in Kansas has decided to put on a historically accurate play that showcases the development of American oppression from the time of the countries founding into the modern age. Reoccurring themes of this play include racism, imperialism and xenophobia. The play is 5 hours longs.

Update: Mitt Romney has changed his mind; he would like to formally invite Katy Perry to hunt with his party.

Filed under Amercia Katy Perry National Rifle Association murica satire

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May amends UK citizenship test

Home secretary Theresa May announced today that there will be major changes to the UK citizenship test, which is undertaken by any immigrants wishing to obtain full British nationality.

The exam was introduced by Labour in 2005, and sought to introduce permanent settlers to British society by teaching them of the UK’s history, culture and customs.

In documents leaked to The Nude Statesman, May’s proposals for the new part-practical, part-written test have been outlined in detail. Set to be implemented as of 2014, the test will include:

  • A full recital of the Only Fools and Horses theme tune by the candidate, which must be performed in front of a three-man panel of genuine Cockneys
  • A 90 minute written paper, which will cover a wide scope of British topics such as ‘The Royal Family’, ‘Jubilees’, ‘Queen Elizabeth II’, ‘Palaces of Britain’, ‘Royal Middle Names’ and ‘Crowns of the Royal Family, 1998-2012’
  • A combined performance of Morris dancing, bagpipe playing and taffy eating, which is carried out by the candidate from atop a Maypole

If the exam is passed and citizenship is granted, the new UK citizen will then remain in a ‘probation period’ for 2 years. This, May claims, will ensure that the immigrants assimilate correctly into Britain’s culture. During this time, they will be monitored on the following:

  • The requirement for the candidate to recite over 75 race-specific slurs, to be used against any immigrants encountered on a day-to-day basis. Invigilators will watch from a safe distance and award demerits for compassion or refrain
  • A half-yearly weighing, in which the candidate must have gained half a stone minimum in order to prove that they are truly becoming a first-world citizen
  • The actioning of at least 5 binge drinks and subsequent fights. These must take place in a public house of Wetherspoons standards or lower

Labour are believed to be unhappy with the proposals, and leader Ed Miliband is expected to take the Tories to task during this week’s PMQs. The Conservatives are planning a two-fingered ‘gestured response’.

Filed under Theresa May Conservatives immigration Ed Miliband UK Britain citizenship satire satirical comedy

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Cameron announces U-turn over U-turns

David Cameron today announced a complete government U-turn over all previous U-turns. His far-reaching decision means that original changes to issues as diverse as churches, caravans and pasties will now go through.

It is widely believed in political circles that Cameron views the flurry of recent U-turns as damaging to the Tories’ public image, and wishes to rectify the damage by reversing the decisions, irrespective of whether it makes sense or not.

Insiders have revealed to The Nude Statesman that George Osborne’s U-turn over fuel duty today was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

Such was the severity of the situation that Cameron ordered his driver to perform a literal U-turn in the road and to return to Whitehall immediately for urgent talks with Osborne. Cameron had been listening to Osborne’s announcement on he car’s radio whilst on a trip to his constituency.

However, upon realising the irony of ordering double U-turns having only petformed one himself, the prime minister asked his driver to make another, meaning that the car was back on course for Whitney and heading away from London.

With the meeting with the chancellor still a necessity, Cameron requested that his driver take a ‘less hypocritical’ route back through he capital.

The two men are believed to have spent the past 9 hours on the M25 ring road.

Filed under David Cameron George Osborne Conservatives satire

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G20 video conference ‘a disaster’

EUROPE’S leaders attempted to take diplomacy into the 21st Century on Friday, as they planned talks held via video conference for the first time. The scheduled 45-minute call was set up for urgent discussions regarding the perilous position of the Greek and Spanish economies, and for debate over the future of the Euro.

However, all did not go as planned as members of the European top brass failed to get to grips with the contemporary technology and didn’t manage to log into the Skype video call.

It has transpired that Spain’s prime minister, Mariano Rajoy, accidentally filmed himself for over 20 minutes before mistakenly posting the video onto the guestbook page of Wonga.com, a site he had been visiting on behalf of his government’s finance ministry earlier that day.

David Cameron was another victim of self-inflicted ineptitude, as his iPhone merely connected with Downing Street’s downstairs telephone. His three children answered the call.

“I dialled the number and, when someone picked up, I could just hear what sounded like squabbling kids. So I presumed I was on the correct call,” said a red-faced Cameron earlier today.

Germany’s Angela Merkel arguably encountered the most embarrassing situation, as she inadvertently hooked herself up to infamous webcam chatroom Chat Roulette, immediately finding herself confronted by live footage of a man pleasuring himself.

“I was slightly suspicious when I signed into the call,” explained Merkel, “as Burlosconi left office a few months ago. But I gave the flasher the benefit of the doubt, and he did have some convincing arguments about why we should partially disband the single currency.

"He was very articulate and seemed highly experienced with persuasive language, so I can only presume that he was a mass-debater.”

Filed under EU Euro David Cameron Francois Hollande Angela Merkel Skype Chat Roulette

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Dav-Cam’s Wick-Man Ban

AFTER widescale reporting that David Cameron had ‘accidentally’ left his daughter behind in a public house following a family outing last Sunday, The Nude Statesman can exclusively reveal that she was actually left as a human sacrifice.

A contact within Whitehall has revealed details of Cameron’s confusion over the tipping method when paying for goods and services in traditionally working class areas.

“You should have seen him on his last state trip to New York,” said the anonymous aide, “he paid a cab driver $7,000 for a two-block journey and left three Trident missiles as a tip. He’s hopelessly posh and can’t get to grips with ordinary things like football, pasties or physical money, no matter how much PR training we throw his way.”

Apparently the Prime Minister believed that eating in the establishment meant that a lesser member of his clan must be handed over afterwards by way of offering. He believed that only then would the plebian locals be appeased.

"We understand that he saw The Wicker Man whilst studying at Oxford, and that’s probably when the seeds of this ineptitude were planted,” quipped the disgruntled informant.

The revelations may also explain Cameron’s banning of Maypoles and breaking of all UK links with Scottish islands - decisions which have infuriated Morris dancers and Isle of Skye residents respectively.

Filed under David Cameron The Wicker Man