In response to the growing unrest following the Government’s decision to increase VAT on hot baked goods, David Cameron is seeking to draw a line under the whole issue by being personally baked into a giant novelty pie, The Nude Statesman has learned.

On the 14th of April, the Prime Minister will be submerged into a 8”x10” puff pastry tank, filled to the brim with gravy and beef, before being completely encased into the edible structure with the addition of a pastry lid the size of a large garden trampoline.

“Yes, I understand that we have upset lots of people with our new VAT directive,” said Cameron at a press conference today, “and I really want to show that we care. I really feel as though actually becoming a pie for a day - navigating my way past chunks of carrot and completely safe British beef - will allow me appreciate the situation with greater depth.”

Critics, however, are already dismissing the plans, which they claim are ‘cynical’ and no more than an appeasing gesture. Dr Karen McTassles, a leading food specialist from Teesside University, has pointed out that, “For a human to survive in such a pie, the gravy stock can’t be over 21 degrees Celsius, which - ironically - is less than half the required temperature for the pie to be sold with the Tories’ new hot foods VAT increase”.

Eric Pickles will also be smothered on top of some cheese and placed in between two oversized pieces of bread, forming a ‘cheese and Pickles’ sandwich, although a Downing Street spokesman confirmed that this had nothing to do with politics and was a purely recreational exercise for the Communities Minister.

The recent boost to the Conservative Party’s ratings has occurred due to working and lower middle class families being unable to afford newspapers, The Nude Statesman can exclusively reveal.

With many families struggling to meet the rising cost of living during the recession, luxury, newsgiving items such as daily papers and TV subscriptions are being eschewed in favour of dietary staples such as beans and lentils. Voters are now simply relying on word-of-mouth, mystical signs and billboards for their advice on political matters.

“I have literally no idea what is going on in British politics at the moment,” said Maurice Hubb, a 47 year-old office manager, who now dresses in a sack cloth with holes cut for his arms and legs, and survives on a diet of discarded office stationery and puddle water.

“I like the sound of this Cameron fellow, though. I wouldn’t know him from Adam, let alone know about any of his policies. But by crikey he’s got a good, solid name, and that’s why I like him.”

Amy Tregging, a data management consultant from Woking, now claims that she hasn’t watched the news in ‘over a year’ due to her family’s dire financial state.

“Since the 2008 global crash, I’ve found it increasingly hard to keep abreast of current affairs. We can barely afford basic things like raisins in our house these days, so I’ve got a different kind of current affairs occupying my time and money right now.”

Tregging gave us her interview from a makeshift bed in between two bushes containing poison berries. She now works from home.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has lost his high court appeal and will be extradited to Sweden, where he will face rape allegations.

The 40-year-old Australian, who shot to prominence after his website released payloads of sensitive US intelligence last year, had been seeking refuge in Britain since the claims were made against him.

Handing out the judgement today were Mr Justice Ouseley and Lord Justice Thomas, who admitted that their decision had been influenced by jealousy over Assange’s impressive hair.

“He’s gone grey prematurely, sure,” commented Ouseley, “but it’s so thick and natural. I’d love to rub my fingers through it. But he’s a certified scorcher, and I’m just an old judge, so I’m not holding out on it.”

Lord Thomas added: “Look at us guys here, having to add decoration to our depleted plates by wearing these ridiculous Louis XIV-style wigs. The only time my wife will go near me in the bedroom is when I’ve got this baby on and have a gavel handy. It’s a depressing way to live, I can tell you.”

After a video emerged last week of revolutionary fighters apparently sexually assaulting a bloodstained and bedraggled Colonel Gaddafi, Libya’s National Transitional Council has swiftly responded by claiming that the deposed leader had been systematically “leading them on” for years, and that “he’d had it coming”.

Commenting on the attack on the former premier, NTC spokesman Abdul Al-Halife (located in bed, smoking, at the time of the interview) said: “I know the rest of the civilized world regarded him as a Libyan despot, but plenty of us rebels regarded him as a Libyan sexpot. Who could resist that perfectly natural-looking bedhead? Certainly not me, nor a great many of my comrades.” Halife went on to add “Corrrr!”, and sounds of him rubbing his thighs could be heard down the phone line.

Despite their audacious-sounding reasoning, behavioural psychologist Professor Stephen Gannon believes he may understand why the rebels found the now-deceased dictator so alluring.

“In the West, we have lingerie models on billboards, adverts featuring gorgeous men and women on the sides of our bus stops, and only attractive people on television. In Libya, these sites of wanton lust contained images of only Gaddafi, so it’s no wonder half the population were absolutely gagging to pork him.”

Professor Gannon went on to speculate that, “In the rebels’ eyes, the violent manner in which Gaddafi dealt with the uprising, his evasion of NATO strikeforces and his eventual retreat and last stand in his Sirte compound all amount to perhaps the ultimate game of ‘playing hard to get’.”

Johnson, 46, is an Oxford graduate, former editor of The Spectator and was elected Mayor of London in 2008. The Nude Statesman caught up with the hay-haired Have I Got News for You? regular in a London cafe to discuss some mayoral hot potatoes.

Nude Statesman: Hello Boris, thanks for joining us.

Boris Johnson: Ooh, crikey, jolly good, crumbs, piffle, areeba, cowabunga!

NS: We understand that you’re overseeing a relaunch of the Routemaster bus in London. Do you have any other transport plans for the capital?

BJ: Golly, now there is a question. ‘Yes’, I suppose is the answer. Crumbs. Well after the Chelsea football team got bought by that Russian oil baron and they went through a rapid ascent in popularity, I heard that everyone wanted to jump on the ‘Chelsea bandwagon’. So I figured that if a wagon in the Chelsea district had proved so popular, then why not get something similar built in a more deprived area of the city?

NS: So…

BJ: Yikes. Well, I opened up Microsoft Word and typed in ‘bandwagon’. Then I right-clicked for a list of synonyms. And there was the answer, staring me in the face. So 2013 will see the launch of the Deptford Gravy Train. Crikey. Exciting!

NS: Do you think London is capable of hosting a top-class Olympics next year?

BJ: Wowzers. Yes. London has hosted so many good things before: serial killers, rock concerts and intense fireworks displays. I refer, of course, to Jack the Ripper, Live Aid and the Blitz, respectively. But gosh, we’ve really pulled out all of the stops for the Olympics. For example, the opening ceremony will feature a group of young ragamuffins banging some bits of corrugated iron with sticks, a red telephone box on wheels driven by a David Beckham lookalike, and Wayne Rooney will ceremonially headbutt a beefeater.

NS: Tell us about the time you saved a young lady from some attackers.

BJ: Golly golly golly. Well there I was, on my penny farthing, gladly maneuvering my way through our great city, when I chanced upon a fair maiden being badgered by some oiks. ‘Crikey’, I thought. So I dismounted my charge and had at them, giving them what-for, verbally. The rats soon scarpered, making me the proverbial reverse-Pied Piper.

NS: You’ve managed to annoy the residents of a few UK cities now. How have you managed to keep London more or less on your side?

BJ: By Jove! Well, my father always insisted that a great politician was built upon gaining the trust of his people, offering them hope to the hopeless at every twist and turn. Also, the Tory spin machine helped a lot. I’m not going to lie.

NS: Where do you stand on the AV referendum?

BJ: I will be standing in a polling booth, clearly marking ‘no’ with a cross.

NS: Do you not think that having the AV system in place would improve your chances of winning the next mayoral election, should you stand?

BJ: Gadzooks! I’m not entirely sure how to answer that question, so here’s some Latin I remember from school: Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora ad quem ad quo! That should remind you that I am superior and should not be questioned, especially over topics I have less than half a pamphlet’s-worth of knowledge about.

NS: Thank you for your time.

BJ: Asinus asinum frica. Golly.

Liberal Democrat Lembit Opik has reclaimed his political seat in Montgomeryshire.

He found his David Lloyd George-themed garden chair - accidentally given away when moving house in 2005 - outside a charity shop in Welshpool, and paid the princely sum of 43 pence to recapture it.

“This is a significant victory for me,” said the 46 year-old Cheeky Girl-fancier, “as the seat was originally priced up at 45p. I’m very wiley, however, as my near-seamless move into stand-up comedy has proved. I used my renowned debating skills to haggle down the 87 year-old voluntary shop assistant. She drove a hard bargain. We were negotiating for over four hours!”

The all-weather piece of outdoor furniture is made of a low-grade PVC, is off-white in colour and features a colour rendering of the face of 1920s Prime Minister David Lloyd George on the backrest, which is understood to be slightly peeling at the edges.

The centre-right French government today passed a new law that effectively bans the wearing of the burka, a full-length veil sometimes worn by muslim women.

In order to demonstrate how committed his party is to its actions, prime minister Nicolas Sarkozy also announced that he would be wearing the ‘anti-burka’ for an indefinite period of time.

The garment - a rectangular strip of opaque black cloth, worn over both eyes - is the direct opposite of the outfit outlawed today.

The anti-burka will not just impede slightly on the premier’s eyesight, but rather block out any chances of vision for Sarkozy altogether, turning a potential sacre-blur into a sacre-can’t-see-anything.

“I will undoubtedly struggle slightly, yes. I might walk into the odd door, maybe bump my head, even snag my balls on the corner of my desk by mistake. But at least I won’t be a repressed muslim, hiding my body away in shame,” said Sarkozy.

“We want to free muslim women of these one-person prisons so badly that we will happily impinge on their civil liberties in order to do so! We are offering freedom in conjunction with a reduced amount of human rights, and if that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is.”

Supporters of former Ivory Coast prime minister Laurent Gbagbo - who refuses to concede power despite losing a general election last year - were seen waving a flag of surrender from the premier’s palace earlier today.

The situation in the east African nation has developed from one of initial confusion over the winner of the election, progressed through a stage of hostile negotiations between Gbagbo’s government and Alassane Ouattara’s rival RDR party, and has since erupted in an outright civil war.

Although politicians and commentators worldwide had hoped the apparent surrender by Gbagbo’s supporters would offer a prompt end to the violence, opposition forces have been unrelenting in their attacks on the presidential stronghold.

This appears to be the result of confusion over the surrender flag itself, traditionally bright white in colour. Comparing the flag’s shade against their Dulux colour charts, Ouattara’s men deemed it to be off-white, possibly lying somewhere between Dulux’s Magnolia Sunrise and Egg Salad ranges, and could therefore only logically assume that it was - in fact - made of solid ivory.

The country’s now-illegal export - harvested from elephants’ tusks - is a sign of wealth, power and extreme bourgeois decadence.

“I can’t believe the former regime,” said Ouattara, “Locking themselves inside the palace, flaunting their ivory at us, like a Medieval king teasing his peasants. We need to get in their to begin governing the country. All the paperwork is in there! And the stationery. How I we supposed to govern without basic pens and pencils?”

At a press conference in Berkshire today, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the introduction of several former ministers (and former humans) to the Conservative Party in order to boost government transparency.

From next week, the spirits of ex-PM Ted Heath, political long-hauler Quintin Hogg and wartime supremo Winston Churchill will take their places on the Tory benches besides living Conservatives such as Eric Pickles, William Hague and Baroness Warsi. 

“Of course, there are numerous advantages to having the ghosts around,” said Cameron. “Having lived complete lives before, they bring with them a huge wealth of experience on a diverse range of political topics. Also, they can scare the shit out of the opposition front bench during PMQs, which will be a great ace to have up my sleeve when I can’t answer a tricky question.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband is apparently responding to the move by tracking down the spectre of the NHS-forming health minister Nye Bevan, which is understood to be currently haunting a Welsh cottage as a poltergeist.

Commentators note that Cameron’s announcement appears to be the latest in his series of ‘literal policy implementations’, which has previously seen the mass-hiring of accountants, who Cameron claimed “made the government more accountable”.

The apparent concern shown by French and Italian ministers over the safe extraction of Muammar Gaddafi from Libya is - according to a leaked memo - apparently due to a personal ‘sleepover request’ from Nicolas Sarkozy.

Whilst many presumed that coalition politicians were seeking to protect Gaddafi from the retaliation of anti-government rebels, the true intention behind ensuring the tyrant’s safety appears to be the French prime minister’s wish to “spend an evening watching films,” with Gaddafi, “before making a den from blankets and turning off the lights to tell ghost stories”.

When questioned over the arrangements earlier today, Sarkozy refused to comment, although it is believed that he has already bagsied top bunk.

William Hague is so enamoured with political procedure that he conducts all family matters through his own household ‘parliament’, The Nude Statesman has learned.

“He’s had his conservatory converted into a mini-House of Commons - green benches and all,” claims neighbour Irene Morris. “We can see him and his eldest son - who is leader of the opposition - debating over key policy decisions every time we look out of our upstairs window. He’s made his cat the Speaker.”

Hague’s other next-door neighbour, who wished to remain anonymous, claims that choices of desserts at mealtimes can be vetoed, that there is a deregulated ‘laundry system’ within the Hague utility room and there is a cap on household ‘immigrants’ (guests).

When questioned on his unconventional style of living, Hague was defiant: “Most homes are run like dictatorships. The parents install themselves as leaders from day one and cling onto power without offering any chance of an alternative. I have created a truly democratic home, where my children have the chance to gain power through a first-past-the-post voting system, with an election taking place once every four years.”

“Of course,” added the Foreign Secretary, “they’ll never win, because my wife and I rig the elections. But don’t tell the kids, otherwise they’ll attempt a coup d’etat, as opposed to attempting to make me a coup de tea, which is French for ‘cup of tea’.”

With the BPI announcing record losses amongst major labels last year, an independent enquiry has discovered that the British public’s waning interest in popular music is due to the current crop of pop stars being ‘way blow-par’.

The British Pop Research Fund’s findings indicate that consumers are consistently underwhelmed by the output of contemporary artists, and are often more inclined to look to pop’s back catalogue for material to listen to.

“The problem doesn’t seem to be with illegal downloading and filesharing, as many have presumed”, said the fund’s chairman, Ian Yacht, “and seems to lie with the dissatisfaction of the audience, who just aren’t as impressed with Tinie Tempah and The Glee Cast as they were with Bob Dylan or The Clash.”

“Perhaps the increasing opulence of pop music is what is causing this disassociation from performer and audience. Status Quo looked like blokes you could have a pint with, but Lady Gaga…? I wouldn’t know what to buy her at the pub. She probably drinks crystallised moth breath or something. And that sounds expensive.”

The British Pop Research Fund, or BPRF (pronounced “bprf”), was established in 1975 by then-Wings mainman Paul McCartney. Jealous of his contemporaries’ success following his fall from grace after the demise of the Beatles, McCartney invested huge amounts of money into researching what ‘good pop music consisted of’, in the hope that he could use the findings to work out the formula for the ‘ultimate pop song’. This research led to the release of 1983’s Frog Chorus.