The Nude Statesman

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Court reaches descision on Terry-Ferdinand racism trial


The trial between Premier League footballers John Terry and Anton Ferdinand has finally reached its conclusion, with the court ruling that both men are idiots.

Terry was accused of racial abuse by Ferdinand, after footage surfaced of the Chelsea captain apparently mouthing slurs in the direction of Ferdinand during a match between their teams last year. The 27 year old QPR defender reported the incident and the authorities subsequently believed that there was enough evidence to level a charge of racism at Terry.

But today’s decision saw an unusual break from the classic ‘guilty/not guilty’ binary, with the 13 member jury arriving at the paradigm-breaking decision that neither man deserved to win the trial due to the hideous nature of their individual characters.

The jury’s foreman – Michael Cog, a 68 year old retired schoolteacher from Leighton Buzzard – made an impassioned plea to presiding judge Lord Justice Bennett when asked to pass verdict.

“Your Honour, we, the jury, have had to listen to these horrible men speak for a combined time of 65 hours. We have found them both to be utterly despicable people, with no sense of morality, sportsmanship or fashion sense. John Terry wore a pink tie yesterday, for God’s sake.

“Although we do believe that the phrase used by Mr. Terry in the match between QPR and Chelsea does qualify as racist, Mr. Ferdinand’s attitude towards Mr. Terry has been as equally hostile and odious. Neither of the men can speak in proper English, show no sense of self-awareness, and live the sort of spoilt lifestyle that could make a Roman emperor blush.

“We would like to say for the record that we find them both guilty of being horrible, horrible wazzocks.”

Justice Bennett, a notoriously gavel-happy judge often described by his contemporaries as ‘being so stereotypically mad and out-of-touch that he seems almost fictional’, was satisfied with the jury’s findings and ended the hearing.

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Chelsea shooting for success

Sports news:

England defender Ashley Cole has hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons today after it was revealed that he ‘accidentally’ shot a work experience boy at Chelsea’s training ground with an air rifle.

Although Cole has formally expressed his regret at the incident, the Nude Statesman can exclusively reveal that equipping players with weaponry is a new defensive tactic currently being implemented by Chelsea in an attempt to tighten up their back four.

Manager Carlo Ancelotti has given little away, but sources close to the London club claim that Cole and fellow full-back Paulo Ferreira will be provided with low-grade handguns in order to pick off opposition wingers, whilst Branislav Ivanovic will be in possession of a bazooka, and captain John Terry will be entrusted with a laser-guided missile system.

Reports also suggest that goalkeeper Petr Cech is currently in the midst of tank driving lessons.

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