The Nude Statesman

Posts tagged sustainability

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Grape soda is the solution to global energy crisis

Grape flavored soft drinks, also known as grapeade, grape soda, grape pop and grape soda pop, will soon replace coal and petroleum as the world’s leading source of energy. Initially, response to the news erupted into an impassioned argument over the correct name for the sugary carbonated drink. The controversy has since subsided.

Now that grape soft drinks can be used as fuel many things will change. No longer will political relations be strained due to oil supply. Bygone are the days when fracking threatens to contaminate water supplies. We can now abandon our efforts to develop sustainable energy.  The energy crisis has finally ended and society is on the brink of preventing global warming from destroying earth. The cup is half full (of grape soda).

In the past, big oil companies have reacted negatively to developments in alternative energy. But this time there will be no murdering of electric cars. Even the all-powerful oil executives can’t deny that fossil fuels are extinct and grapeade is the future.  

Professor Stuvens of Elitist University discovered that gape soda/ade/pop is an efficient source of energy by accident. While he was testing the efficiency of different types of biofuel, he accidently spilt a can of grape soda pop he was sipping on into the compartment chamber of his testing apparatus. While he was franticly trying to clean it up, he noticed that the energy levels on his contraption skyrocketed.

“In retrospect, it all makes sense. Grape soda is a great energy source because it contains natural and artificial grape flavor combined with the preservative sodium benzoate, corn syrup and red 40. The conversion process of soda to energy is actually quite simple. Blah blah blah explanation that only a seasoned scientist could comprehend. ”

This discovery signals the end of the era when it was an individual’s duty to lead an ecologically conscious lifestyle. Never again will humans be inconvenienced by increasing price of gas as the world’s supply of petroleum dwindles. Grape soda is the cure-all we have all been waiting for and boy do we deserve it.

Filed under Conspicuous consumption of natural resources grapeade energy crisis oil petroleum environmentalism sustainability fracking news satire